I left for the desert last year to die. And I did. I died thousands of times and then re-birthed myself just as many.
Before I left, I was exhausted; and that was before COVID hit so I checked out and stopped keeping in touch with you.
If you follow my social media you'll have witnessed where I've been and my death and rebirth transformation but for those of you who don't, it's been epic #vanlife.
Before I go any further if it's been so long that you seriously don't even remember who I am or why I would be writing you, I work with animals! My specialty is the very sick, the very old, and the very injured... so you must live with an animal and we must have connected at some point so that I could help you with yours. And if you're wondering why the hell I'm writing you about my adventures of living in a van and how the desert held space for me to die (and rebirth) just hear me out... because this has everything that to do with animals.
You see, I thought I was going into the desert to save my life (and I was) but what I didn't know is that I was also going to be thrown into the fire of saving my beloved Sugarpants' (kitty) life too. The only difference is that my issues were on a spiritual level but hers were physical and while I knew I was in a "death process" I wasn't actually dying but she was.
Sugarpants is young (really young!) so when she was diagnosed with advanced hyperthyroidism while we were living on the road the vet was so shocked that she didn't believe the diagnosis. You see, Hyperthyroidism is a disease that senior cats suffer from, not young cats like Sugarpants. Her T4 levels were so high that the vet thought she would probably die (said so), and insisted I take her to a cardiologist because they were sure she would have a damaged heart, and if she survived they said she would have to be on heart meds the rest of her (albeit a short life).
To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I freaked the fuck out. How was this possible?! My whole life involves helping sick animals so how could it be that the one I live with was so close to death and I had no idea?! Well, the truth is, I could justify and explain almost every single symptom that I had witnessed. Additionally, while hypo is normally caused by environmental toxins, hers was genetic. so I always knew her as a sick cat so there were no real red flags as she got worse (except for the few I had really good justifications for because of van life). That said, when I first adopted her - I brought her to multiple vets for respiratory issues I had picked up on and they all blew me off and said "eh.. it's probably allergies." well, it was never allergies, it was her hyperthyroidism that I was witnessing that they didn't diagnose because she was too young for it to be on their radar. Despite all of this, I fell into so much shame that was coated like icing around my grief. Have you ever been there? It's kind of the worst feeling ever. I remember driving to my brother's 40th birthday celebration and crying so hard in the van I was a driving hazard... I mean, if the hypo doesn't kill her a shame-ridden, grief-covered meowmy will. And then the universe and my loving guides gave me a good energetic slap across the face to bring me back into my body "STOP!" they said! "This is not Holly's story (my soul companion who died in 2015). YOU are a different person than you were then, YOU have so much more knowledge and lived experience than you did then. YOU are an expert in your field and what you do and Sugarpants is in the best hands! If anyone can heal her, it's you! Take back your power NOW!" and so I did. I pulled myself out of the emotional riptide that was slamming to the floor and I swam back onto shore, stood up, and put my crown back on.
I started to devise a plan - I was going to get her into a cardiologist, schedule the 1-131 treatment (radioactive treatment that is supposed to be curative) even though I wasn't sure if she was a candidate just yet, and I was going to channel the biggest magic I've ever done before.
For the record, living in a van, with a cat who is dying, during Covid when NO VET is taking on new clients is hell on earth. We had to wait a month before we could see the cardiologist (they wanted to schedule me a year out!!) and other specialists. If her heart was strong, I was going to get her in for the I-131 treatment as mentioned is a curative treatment except I was promised by the specialists that because Sugarpants' levels were so high, it would never be curative for her, and that along with heart meds she would also need to be on thyroid medication the rest of her short life.
Everything that was said to me was grim. ALL OF IT. But I chose to not listen to anything they were telling me. For years, I have said to my clients, believe the diagnosis, just not the prognosis and now I was being tested if I had the ability to do the same. But more than that, I decided to write the energetic code around each grim thing they had said to me and turn it into what I wanted for her... that was not easy but I kept at it every day.
The cardiologist's appointment would determine if we could do the I-131 treatment and during that time I went into full sorcery and magic which required me to go from the mindset of "Nothing is possible" which is where every vet wanted me to sit, and into the magical realm of "Anything is possible".
I KNEW in every cell of my body I couldn't tell anyone that Sugarpants was sick... besides a few family members and one friend, no one else knew. I needed it to be this way because I knew that if we were going to have magical healing (and that was my goal) I had to stay in the realm of "Anything is possible" and I knew that negative thoughts, words, and feelings whether they were mine or someone else's would make it impossible for Sugarpants to heal so I kept it mostly a secret and only the people who had to know, knew.
It is so hard to be in such a terrifying position and to feel like you're doing it alone but I had to because we couldn't sit in someone else's poison. Well-meaning people can destroy the things you are trying to create. You've all been there... I know you have, all it takes is one "well-meaning" comment to crash down your dreams. I couldn't allow that.
So I had 1 month to unravel the toxic words the well-meaning and full of love vet said in regard to her prognosis and heart. I need to be clear here, her vet was amazing and full of love and if it weren't for her, I would never have known what was wrong with my beloved best friend but she's been trained to deliver a prognosis and in that, they are trained to share the worst outcomes. So I rolled up my sleeves and began a solo journey into a new realm... a place I had never been and that's when I realized I wasn't alone - Holly was with me, the trees, plants, animals, and my guides were all with me and they came to my aid and shared their sacred wisdom and began working with me to save my best friend's life. We worked every single day for a month while new "things" flowed from my heart, hands, and lips.
And then she had her cardiologist appointment and I sat on the edge of my seat waiting for his report. He came back with "She's very opinionated and has a super-strong healthy heart!" I began crying. Yes... it's true, she is opinionated and her heart is strong! I had spent the month working on her heart so that we would get this green light to proceed, and we did.
She received the 1-131 treatment and the specialists prepared me multiple times that this wouldn't be a curative treatment for Sugarpants, they said it would lessen the symptoms but not cure her as it does other cats because her levels were so bad. They wanted me to know that she would still be on medication after her treatment. I closed my ears but knew that their negative seeds needed to energetically be recoded so they wouldn't stick to my psyche and I spent every day sending magic to her while she was locked in the facility where she had to stay (radiation!). They released her on my birthday and they said "She is so sweet ...but very opinionated!" Yes, that's my BFF alright.
They said it would take 3-6 months to figure out how effective the treatment was but I would need to do a blood test at the 1-month mark just to see if things were changing to her benefit and so I did.
And when the vet called me to give me the blood results, her news was that Sugarpants was completely cured! COMPLETELY CURED AT 1-MONTH!!! ...I began to cry tears of relief and joy and the vet began to cry with me. She was so excited to share the news she said she never gets to share news like this and she was caught up in the emotion and miracle of it all. Her vets and her medical specialists all told me she would never be cured, she would need to be on meds the rest of her life, and that I wouldn't see any real results until the 3-6 month mark. They were wrong.
And while I believe this to be true for most, it was not true for us. It was not true for us because I refused to live by their rules, we had pulled ourselves from the riptide, stood on the shores with our crowns in place, and created the future we wanted for ourselves and transformed into the Creatrix we wanted to be. Yes, WE because Sugarpants was a part of this whole process.
A rising tide lifts all.
I took us into the desert so I could heal things lurking in my shadow that would have prevented me fro dreaming courageously, as a Creatrix in way that Sugarpants needed. And I want to teach the same to you. In fact, when I was hiking in the cascades of the Pacific Northwest, a black bear instructed me to come out of my cave and share this sweetness with the world to help pull others out of thier spiritual slumber.
This is why I created the app, emPAWer, to take people just like me and you from doom to bloom. A place where you learn how to take the toxic thoughts, ideas, notions, words, feelings, and anything else that needs to die and rebirth it with thoughts, ideas, notions, words, and feelings that can create miraculous magical healing. Additionally, I wanted to create a community of others who can do the same so that no one feels like they have to keep things a secret like I did so you will have a community to share what is happening and what you want for yourself and your beloved animal companion in a community of other people that can see magic healing for you even when you can't see it yourself. I wanted people to have a community of badass creators who only contribute healing and no "well-intentioned" harm.
emPAWer is a place where you learn that every little word you speak to yourself, your animals, your friends, and your life is a spell.
emPAWer will give you access to free classes on cancer, separation anxiety, and CBD. Access to free healings, meditations, and activations that will be continuously updated and added on to. There will also be an option to sign up as a Crowned Creatrix that will guide you through New Moon Shadow Clearings and Full Moon Activations each month that will dive more deeply into the secrets and codes that were shared with me on this #vanlife journey by the plants, rocks, and animals.
So after four beautiful years of transformative group healings, we've said goodbye to live group healings in Zoom and upgraded to prerecorded spells, healings, classes, and activations so that more people all over the world can join in. It was time to grow and so we did. The emPAWer app is currently in beta mode and is being tested by the VIPS who have been with me furever in my group healings. They are helping me work through the glitches and kinks before I release this to the rest of the world because I want it to be almost purrrrfect (knowing that nothing is ever perfect as we grow and shift and change) when you are invited to join us.
EmPAWer is not available to you yet, but it will be soon and I'll let you know when it is. Once I've opened the app up to more than just my close crew of PAWrents, we would love to have you there because the larger an emPAWered community, the more PAWerful it is. And unlike the group healings that was a safe space for womxn and their fur babies, emPAWer is inclusive and open to anyone in need, regardless of how you identify.
Finally since I'm asked this weekly, YES I'm still doing private sessions, the only difference is that I'm working in new sacred spaces each week with your animals in distance sessions instead of my apartment in Minneapolis.
I would love, love, love to hear from you - I filled you in on a little of my life, fill me in on yours!
And if you don't follow me on instagram but you would like to see where I've been and what I've been up to over the last year.
Lastly, if there are any classes that you would love for me to teach in the emPAWer app, let me know and if they're in alignment with my work in this world, I'll add them to The Classroom for you.
Rob Bresney of Free Will Astrology wrote these words in 2015 just months after my soul companion, Holly, had died. I saved them in my journal and as any seed planted, they grew. I stumbled upon them again the other day and had to chuckle, these words, like a spell, started to direct me into where I've been for the last year. I'm sharing them, as a spell, with you now, may they weave the same magic in your life as they did mine.
"I love your pilgrim soul and I love your ever-deepening eyes.
I love how unflinchingly you peer into the heart of your own darkness.
I love how you're making yourself more and more receptive to truths in their wild states.
I love how you can lose yourself in passion but never shirk your commitment to the good and the true.
I admire the way you never bear a grudge against the mountains that are in your way, but rather just set to work getting around them.
I love your commitment to deciphering the code you left for yourself before you came into this life."
May you pull yourself from any riptide and stand on your shore crowned in your own sacred wisdom,
Rachel, Sugarpants, and always Holly